Today and gender norms!

I can’t stress enough how important it is for your children to make their own decisions. If you let them start from a young age, SHOWING you what types of things, colors and activities they enjoy, you will learn a lot more about your children than you would by TEACHING them what things to like

My son is the most curious little human I’ve ever met in my life, he loves the color pink, and he always has to take off my headbands that I’m wearing so we can put them on him! I am absolutely SO proud of how curious he is! He doesn’t know that “headbands are for girls” and doesn’t need to ever know that! Every time he puts the headband on, he gets so happy, and I tell him how cute he looks! Why can’t boys wear headbands? Why can’t boys like the color pink? Because it was instilled in all of us at such a young age, and now people think that boys who like pink are “gay”. Nobody needs a label, just like we don’t need to choose what our child will enjoy. Since when did you let someone raise YOUR baby? Since when did you let someone else make your parenting decisions? You don’t HAVE to dress your baby in blue because he’s a boy, or pink because she’s a girl. I want my son to be a dancer or a cheerleader, I want him to be a baseball player or a wrestler! I WANT HIM TO BE WHAT HE WANTS TO BE!! He deserves happiness, he doesn’t have to be put in a sport just because “that’s what boys do”. And if he wants to be a cheerleader, LET HIM BE. No one needs labels, he doesn’t HAVE to be “gay” to be a cheerleader. And if one day he does tell me, he likes boys, I will love him and accept him and support him in every single way possible. I think this world has so many corrupt views, and people are making judgments before they even know a person. Naturally, we just do it, because it’s how we’ve been brought up! But our world needs to come together, AS ONE.

I am not judging any parenting style, nor do I think it is wrong if you want your baby girl to love princesses, and your baby boy to love cars. IT’S NORMAL, I get it! But what I am saying is that our children need to learn, AT A YOUNG AGE that it is okay to speak up, that it is okay to stand alone and not be a follower, it is okay to BE YOU!

If our children know this before they get out into the dark world, they will know how to be powerful and how not to judge and how to accept that everyone is different in their own way.

I can’t change the world, but I can tell the world my views. I can tell MY SON my views, and whether or not he agrees with me, that’s okay. We all decide how we want to live our lives, because we have the right to. Just like our children have their own rights.

How me and your daddy fell in love.

Hi baby, I know you’re going to wonder one day, “how did you and daddy fall in love?”. Well, baby, it’s a long story but here goes nothin!

There is a website called twitter that your daddy and I both were always on, we had a friend we both knew for some time and he would always re-post things from both of us and we both were very interested in what the other person had to say. One day, I decided I should write him a personal message on there, and sure enough, we got each others number and we started to text. From then on, we texted each other every single day, we never went to bed without saying goodnight to each other and he asked me out one day, for my birthday. He just wanted to take me to get ice cream, but before we went on the date he decided to come see me at work (Starbucks) and the moment he came in to see me, my heart dropped, and I had the biggest butterflies in the world. This man made me feel something I never ever thought I could feel. I couldn’t wait to see him later that night….

So he came and picked me up, around 8 or 9, and we went to Coldstone, we got our ice cream, sat and talked and then as we were walking out to the car, your daddy kissed me. I think we both knew there was something there we couldn’t deny. After the kiss, we went into his truck and sat for hours and hours, and actually your nana and papa thought something bad happened to him so they called the cops and were freaking out because his phone died and they had no way to contact him. He took me back home after this and he told me he was going to take me somewhere that weekend to celebrate my birthday better….

Then came Saturday, your daddy came to Modesto to pick me up, and he took me to Monterey, and on the way there, the car was out of gas. We were driving on E for about 30 minutes, I kept asking him to get gas and he kept saying “No, no we’ll be fine”, and I think he was just testing my patience. We did end up being okay because he finally got gas…. So we got to Monterey, and he took me to eat at a fish place and I really can’t remember the name of it, and then after that, HE TOOK ME TO THE AQUARIUM!!!!!!! It’s funny because about 2 weeks before that, I posted on twitter (where we met) that I wanted to go there. (Your daddy has always been the best listener). We enjoyed the aquarium so much, but we didn’t get to take very many pictures because my phone died and I was so sad because I think I only got one picture that day with your daddy. After the aquarium, we did some walking around the town and then we went to the beach, and since I love the water more than anything, in that very moment I was so happy. Your daddy looked at me the way any girl would want to be looked at, like he was AMAZED by me. He told me secrets that he hated about himself, he held me and we stared into the deep longing ocean together, we were so happy just being with each other, and we barely knew each other for a week.

From that day forward, NOTHING made me happier than your daddy, he was everything I had been looking for, forever. I couldn’t believe I had been so blessed to have him.

About three months later, he took me to Santa Cruz and we enjoyed the beach, we took pictures in the photobooth, we had the best dessert either one of us had ever had, and we enjoyed each others company more than we thought we would, that night was the first night your daddy stayed at my place. I knew that day that I loved him, I really loved him and I knew I had to tell him. So when we were in my room, he was massaging my back, and just as I was about to tell him that I loved him, he traced the words “I love you” on my back with his finger. I don’t know if I had ever believe in fate before this, but now I did. We told each other we loved each other at the same exact moment, and it was the best feeling in the entire world.

We only knew each other for three months, and loved each other, how was that true? I don’t know, but I guess when you know someone is the one, you just know!

Your daddy has brought more joy and love into my life than I ever knew possible and I am so thankful to have him, especially because he also gave me you ❤

The working mommy.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, clearly all I do is work and when I’m not working, I am with my sweet boy who wants all of my attention.

Right now, I am at a time in my life where I’m unsure of a lot of things. Only things I want to do with my future and where I would like to be spending all of my time.

Becoming a mommy, I knew I had to make changes in my life, I had to be better and do better, for someone else now, not for myself. I have to focus on making a better life for him, and me. I have to make money so we can have nice things and so I can take him places and feed him new food and keep a roof over our heads.

When in the world did the “American Dream” become all work and no play? I am so stuck between HAVING to work, and WANTING to be with my son, and watch him grow. While I enjoy my job, I enjoy my son a hell of a lot more. However, it is what we have to do to make ends meet. Every day leaving home for work, I fear missing new milestones. I fear him being more dependent on someone else than me, and while I know that will never happen, there is always a slight possibility. I have been blessed with amazing in-laws to help us watch him if both of us work the same day and time, and I have also been blessed with the most amazing fiance in this whole world who watches him while I work.

While I wish roles were reversed every single day the moment I leave for work, I am very blessed to have a good job that gives me job security and the money we need to get by.

There is nothing worse though, than getting your paychecks and your money going immediately to bills and diapers and food. I never have any money left over for me, I buy everything I can with barely anything left over to spoil myself with.

I am such a lucky mommy, I have a job and I have a loving fiance and family, but I would feel so much luckier if I could be home with my son every single day, nothing breaks my heart the way my son crying when I leave to work does. I have no way to prevent this, but I really can’t wait until these days are over and I could be home and watch every single milestone be met. Maybe I won’t be able to do that with Skyler, but I will be able to in the future with my other little ones.

Until then, I will just pray I hit the jackpot someday, and limit my spending’s and work hard and love even harder. ❤

What I gave up to become “mommy”

I was that party girl, the one you would see at parties dancing around having fun with her best friends, I was the girl who would go to work still hungover the next day when I worked at 4am. I was the girl who spent her money on alcohol and food and had no responsibilities. I was the girl who never spent any night at home, I would be with my girlfriends every single night. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine becoming a young mommy. 

All my friends and I would talk about who would be pregnant first and I never thought I would be one if the first ones. 

After I met Marcus (my fiancé), I continued partying, with him, we would do everything together and 3 months into our relationship, I started noticing different changes in my body… I wasn’t sure what it was, but we weren’t worried because we were young and didn’t care about much. 

I decided maybe I should take a pregnancy test, and sure enough ➕ was what came up on that test. I was pregnant. WHAT IN THE WORLD?! I can’t be pregnant. There’s no way in hell I can be a good mom to any child. I am not even able to care for myself. I let him know we were pregnant, and he felt the same way as me, WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO? How was I going to tell my family, how was he going to tell his? We didn’t know, all we knew was that we were going to get through this, together. 

That moment, everything in my life changed, I had to change everything I was doing, I had previously been drinking a few days before that, and I immediately started worrying that I could have harmed my unborn baby. But I knew fate would take it’s course. 

I knew I had to start taking my job and my life seriously, I now have another human being I am living for. I started eating better food, I made sure I didn’t pick up heavy boxes at work and made sure I was always careful doing every single thing. 

I gave up that party girl lifestyle. 

I gave up the careless money spending.

I gave up not caring what I ate. 

I gave up caffeine. 

I gave up lifting heavy weights. 

I gave up my high school body I worked so hard for. 

I gave up my stretch mark free body. 

I gave up my nice perky boobs. 

I gave up getting to sleep whenever and however long I wanted to. 

I gave up my “days off” because you never get a day off with a baby.

I gave up my size 5 foot. 

I gave up going pee alone. 

I gave up getting pretty every single day.  

I gave up my alone time with Marcus.

I gave up friends that weren’t ready to grow up yet. 

I gave up a lot more than people think about. Reality hits you HARD the moment you see the positive test score on that pee stick though… What people don’t understand, is that even though you give up a lot to become parents, you gain a lot more than you lose. 

The moment my son came into this world, I knew that is what I was put on this earth for. I was meant to be a mommy! And I couldn’t be more excited to finally have my boy here to hold for the rest of my life. 

So while I complain about not getting enough sleep and not ever getting my body back to what it was before, I gained so much more than all of that. 

I gained a new best friend. 

I gained a sweet little boy to share my bed with. 

I gained wet slobbery kisses. 

I gained someone to stay up late with. 

I gained an extra set of hands to hold. 

I gained a babies cry only being cured by me. 

I gained a brand new perspective on life. 

I gained more knowledge in a month than I learned my whole life. 

I gained an extra 90 pounds (but let’s not talk about that) 

Having my son was by far the best thing to have ever happened to me. I am now a strong woman not only for me, but for a tiny little human that runs around looking just like me and his daddy. I am so proud of the person I have become. And the person he is becoming, because of me. 

I have come a long way from that young, selfish girl, with no care in the world. And even though you don’t think you can do it, you can. Being a parent is hard work, but it is the most rewarding thing you can ever do in your life. You get to be someone’s leader and teach them every single thing you want them to know, you get to teach them right from wrong, you get to teach them about the beautiful and scary things of the world. You are his mommy, and he is your world world. 

Stay strong mommy, you will forever be his best friend. Don’t give up just because you’re tired. 

Let me tell you about MY mommy.

Going to get a little off topic on tonight’s post, don’t mind me.

First of all, my mommy has been my best friend ever since I could remember, we would go shopping and go to Starbucks, DAILY. She would plan day trips for us to San Francisco. She would take me places and teach me things and want the best things for me. She would laugh when I laughed, and she would cry when I cried. I knew her like the back of my hand, and she knew me like the back of hers.

One day she woke up, and she just wasn’t the same person anymore, I didn’t know who she was and it scared the hell out of me. Is my mommy on drugs, is she doing something I don’t know about? “No, of course not she tells you everything”, I told myself. How do you just go to bed a certain person one night and wake up an entire new person the next morning? I don’t know and I still don’t know but that’s what happened to my mommy. She forgot everything she was doing, before she even began doing it. She would call me different names, she would empty containers and still put them back in the fridge. She would forget eating, even though she literally JUST ate. “Who are you and what have you done with my mommy?” I didn’t know what was happening to my mom and I was just so angry. I didn’t know if i should feel scared, pissed, depressed or something else? What happened to my mom, overnight? She is only 54 years old. She has so long left to live and I don’t know why she is acting “crazy” all of a sudden. Or at least “crazy” was what I thought.

She began not knowing where to throw her trash, not knowing how to cook for herself or bathe herself. It all just happened so quickly, and it’s like I turned into a mommy and she turned into my baby, overnight. I didn’t wish for this, and neither did she but it happened. We went to the doctor, and they diagnosed her with early onset Alzheimer’s. At the age of 54, I never thought Alzheimer’s could even be an option for her. Are they sure? Are there some other tests they can do? After I looked it up, and did a bunch of research, I came to the conclusion that in fact, my mommy DID have Alzheimer’s. I never knew the disease first hand, before her. I’ve seen it in movies, I’ve heard about it but I never ever seen it myself.

At the time we found out, I was the only one living with her, I was fresh out of high school, all of my future ahead of me, and BAM! Everything changed the moment they told me she had Alzheimer’s. I had to change all of my prior plans, I made sure I was home to watch her. She began wandering off, she walked into stores and tried to steal things because she had no more concept of anything (money, time, etc.). I would sometimes come home from work, and the front door would be left open and she would be gone. Sometimes, I was lucky to find her at home even with the door still open, but nothing hurt my heart the way it did when she wasn’t there. I had to call around to people who knew her, I had to find where she was. It was like losing a puppy, or a child, it’s so heartbreaking and there was no way to contact her because she didn’t even know how to use her cell phone anymore. I would have to rely on my gut instincts and heart, to find where she was. One time she wandered off too far and she started banging on peoples doors, trying to find her way back home, someone called the cops on her and she was taken to the mental facility in Modesto. I somehow got ahold of them and they had my mommy. At that moment I knew something had to happen.

I knew I couldn’t do this for much longer. What if I came home one day, and I found her dead? It was not a risk worth taking. I knew my family and I had to figure something out, and figure it out QUICK!!

Not so long after, I found out I was pregnant and I was more stressed than anything. At first I wasn’t even excited, I was nervous. What do I do about my mom? I need to figure things out with her before I figure things out with my baby.

As time went on, things only got worse. She started not knowing where to go to the bathroom, she started pushing me and yelling at me, she started telling me she hated me and she would fight me off if I tried to give her a bath. She was so defensive about any and everything and it scared the hell out of me that I had a baby in my tummy and I was being pushed and yelled at and stressed. I needed to do something about it, NOW!

I called numerous places, trying to find a home for her to go to, most wouldn’t accept her insurance, some were over $2000/month and others just weren’t accepting new people. I felt like I had no option.

Months went by and we still hadn’t found anywhere for her, and it was finally April 2nd and I was going into labor. We were gone for 3 days (my fiance and family went to check on her all the time) at the hospital. We came back home and she was obsessed with Skyler, all she wanted was to see him and hold him and it was the sweetest thing in the world. I had to help her hold him when she asked to, because she forgot how to hold a baby and I was afraid she could hurt him.

Day after day, it kept getting harder and harder, my child needed me and so did my mom. I was so torn between where to focus my attention. I knew I needed to give it to my mom, but I knew my son needed it more. So that’s how I made it, but my mom then felt neglected. I couldn’t explain to her how much my breastfeeding newborn son, needed me more. She was just angry and sad and I couldn’t make it better.

Finally, at last, we found a place for her! We found her a home, where they could take care of her much better than I could. I took her there, and I introduced her to everyone, and she was SO mad at me, she couldn’t understand why I would do something like this to her. Why would I leave her with people she doesn’t know? Because it was what was best for her, and for me. Some may call it selfish, but I call it caring.

She has been there almost a year now and she finally loves it. She loves it when I go visit her. I am one of the few people she still remembers and the tears that fall from her eyes the moment she sees me, make every moment worth it. I get to bring her food, and bring her favorite drink from Starbucks to her, I get to come talk to her and eat with her whenever I want. I am lucky and so is she. She has so many people that love her and care about her and she doesn’t even know it.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Watching someone who was so strong and so young, turn into someone so fragile and so “old”, is mind blowing. Over night, I lost my mommy. Not literally, but the person I knew her as, I lost. But she is and will always be my mommy. It is the most life changing and heartbreaking disease you can watch someone live through. It was like watching someone grow YOUNG, and forget every single thing they ever learned. I had to teach her how to eat and how to wash her hair again. I am so damn blessed I still have her here by my side, but never would I ever wish this on anyone in the world.

I love you, mommy!

My dreams for you!

Today I watched one of my high school best friends walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams. I couldn’t have pictured a more perfect human for her. I have always wished nothing but the best for all of the people I love, especially all of the women I love. And I was so blessed to be a part of their big day.

My sweet son was their ring bearer, and while he ran down the aisle, with joy and laughter in his sweet innocent little eyes, my eyes began to water. I can’t believe how beautiful the child I created, is. It made me think of the one day me and his daddy get married, and he becomes OUR ring bearer. I can’t wait until that day comes, I can’t wait to see how happy he is running down that aisle again one day, for his two favorite people in the world.

And then a few more years will pass, and I’ll be walking HIM down the aisle. He will be standing there waiting for the beautiful person he chooses to spend his life with. I can’t believe one day my little human will love someone in the same way Nico and Carolina showed their love today, and in the same way his mommy and daddy show their love to each other and him every single day. My mind and my heart will be put at ease, because I know that I will raise him to be the most prefect little gentleman and he will find his perfect lady to spend forever with.

I can’t believe one day I will have to let him go to be someone else’s everything.

Daughter-in-law, I sure hope you love my sweet boy the way I love him, and I promise if you do that I will love you forever, like you’re my own. And sweet boy, if you choose to love a man, I promise, i will love him as my own also. I can’t wait to watch you grow up and love someone the way I love your daddy!

But until then, I’ll continue to be your love and your everything, and I hope you continue to love me as your favorite person in this world ❤

I could watch you for hours.

Sweet boy, as I watch you run around the house, throwing your arms around in excitement, you show me happiness, you show me innocence and you show me how beautiful pure you are. I couldn’t imagine how dark this world would possibly be without you. How was I ever happy before you? How did I get through the bad days before you? I love your sweet laugh and your sweet touch. I love when you always want me to play with you, and when you always want me to hold you! How does someone so small, change my whole entire world? I couldn’t thank your daddy enough for giving me you and loving me through all the pain and pleasure of having you, I couldn’t thank him enough for loving me even when I was the least but lovable. I couldn’t thank him enough for dealing with me on nights I have been frustrated because I am not getting any sleep because of you. I couldn’t thank him enough for loving you more than I could have ever imagined him loving you. You are our whole pride and joy sweet boy, and I cannot wait to watch you continue to grow and grow and teach us more about parenting and growing up  

 

Breast-feeding in today’s society.

What does this look like to you? Me nourishing my child, me giving him all the nutrients he needs, me enjoying this special bond only him and I are able to share? Or does it look sexual, and disgusting and make you feel uncomfortable?

You would think after so many years breastfeeding has been around, the judgments would stop, or at least decline. However that hasn’t been the case. There are so many people, men and women, who don’t understand the fact that breastfeeding is completely natural.

It is one thing to sexualize breasts(which yes, of course, they are beautiful) but it is a whole other thing to sexualize the act of breastfeeding your own child. The fact that something like that even crosses anyone’s mind is beyond me. How in the world is sex and feeding your child even a related subject? To some people, they don’t think of the actual reason women have breasts. Society has made them into sex objects, boob jobs have made them into sex objects and the fact that that is your first thought when you see a mother and son in their most natural state says something about your maturity and how narrow-minded you are.

There are so many different religions, races, genders, and sexual preferences and in today’s society, it seems like things are becoming more and more accepted and normal. However there are some people and some situations that aren’t as accepted. Such as breast-feeding and changing your gender. Why does it matter what someone else does with THEIR life? We are all in this world together, and we will all die one day, whether we get along or not. I, personally don’t want or need anyone’s negative energy towards something I have chosen for myself and my family.

As a full-time working mommy, to a 16 month old baby boy, I went through a lot to be where I am today, the first 3-4 months I went back to work, my son wouldn’t accept a bottle, he wouldn’t want anything but his mommy, but I had to provide for my family and make sure I had enough money to buy my baby diapers and food for the household. I always thought I should just stop nursing and it would be easier that way, but what was best for my son was mommies milk and I held onto that and continued and here I am today. And I am very blessed and thankful that my body has been able to do this for this long.

I am not in any way saying that you cannot have your own opinion on breastfeeding, sexual preferences or gender-changing, but I am saying that I don’t judge you for what you do, and I don’t think anyone likes to be judged. If anyone has a problem with the way I live my life, rather than holding onto negative energy towards me, I would rather you remove yourself from the situation so you can still have a positive view towards me.

Mommy, ALWAYS.

Hello mommy, I know you may be nervous or excited or tired, or probably all of the above. Your little one doesn’t care and he will continue to cry and need you, no matter what. Nothing you tell him will make him want to stop crying and stop needing you. You can feed him, change his diaper, hold him, rock him, play with him, and there are a million other things you can try. However, nothing will probably help. Baby wants to sleep on his time, not on yours. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked my sweet Sky to get some rest, “baby, let’s go to sleep” and it’s like he is saying “no” without saying it. “But mommy, you always want to sleep”. One thing I know now that I didn’t know before I became a mommy, is that you only have a little bit of time with them when they are that small, sweet and innocent. Cherish it!

Mommy, ALWAYS leave me asleep on your chest. The housework can wait, dinner can wait, and making yourself presentable can DEFINITELY wait. You are so very beautiful mommy! First of all, the times I fall asleep on your chest are so few, and second of all, even if you try to move me, I will probably wake up. Either way it isn’t worth it! Hold me, kiss me, listen to my heart beat, and watch as my breaths get deeper and my eyes close tighter. I love your warmth and I sleep best in your arms anyway, mommy!

Mommy, ALWAYS whisper in my ear. I hear it when you tell me you love me, and when you tell me how lucky you are to have me. I love when you tell me those things mommy! I know sometimes you are frustrated because I don’t let you sleep and I know you are frustrated when you can’t take a shower some days, but I swear mommy, I love you and I love hearing that you love me back. I also hear it when you say how much you wish I would let you sleep, and how much you wish you could just “get a break”, but I promise mommy, I won’t need you like this too much longer.

Mommy, ALWAYS read to me. Even if I don’t understand what you’re saying, I love your voice and I love it when you talk to me. I love to see all the different pages and colors and I can’t wait to be the one to read to you one day. I love Mickey Mouse and I love Baby Einstein. I love that I am learning new things just by listening to you. Mommy, thank you for loving me enough to read to me.

Mommy, ALWAYS promise you’ll love daddy just as much as you love me. I watch you two together, and I hope that I find a love like yours when I grow up one day. I know you guys need alone time, but sometimes I need you more than daddy needs you. I like it when you guys go out on dates, but I really miss you when you’re gone. I love how happy you are when you two see each other, and I love it even more how happy you are when you guys look at me. I love that I made your love stronger, and I love that you two love me so much.

Mommy, ALWAYS be my best friend. When I get old enough to talk to you, I hope you let me tell you all my secrets and I hope you tell me yours. You’re my best friend, because I always get to be with you, and I am so lucky because we always get to have sleepovers together. I can’t wait until we can go to the park, and chase each other and play catch. I can’t wait until I get to go get ice cream with you on hot summer days. I can’t wait to grow up and do all of those things, but right now I enjoy being in your arms and getting to hear your heartbeat and feel your touch.

Mommy, ALWAYS be proud of me. I’m proud of you. You and daddy made me, you made a tiny little human in your belly out of the love you two share, you work all the time and you manage to always make me and daddy happy too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be you, but you do it so well. I love how strong you are and how sweet and gentle you are with me. I hope you are just as proud of me as I am of you, I hope you tell everyone just how much you love me and how beautiful you think I am, I hope you tell everyone how strong I am and I hope you tell them about all the new sounds I am making and all the different things I can do!

And last but not least…

Mommy, ALWAYS love me. Even when you feel like it is hard to love me because I’m screaming in your ear while you’re trying to relax. Even when you haven’t eaten all day and you finally get me to sleep and you try to take a bite of your cold dinner, and I start crying again. Even when I spit up on the new shirt you actually bought for yourself today. Even when I don’t want anything but to be attached to you and your milkies. Even when I don’t want anything but to be rocked, JUST LOVE ME THROUGH IT and I promise I will love you too!

Welcome To My Blog!

Hello, I have been contemplating whether or not I should start blogging for a long time. Do I have the time? Do I have enough to write about? Do I know enough people? The answer to all of those questions is probably NO. But hey, let’s just try it out. I am a 22-year-old breastfeeding mommy to a beautiful baby boy, I am engaged to my best friend and I work full-time. You probably don’t want to know about me though. So, I am here to help you, with YOU. I am here to offer all of my friendly and HONEST advice you have about being a mommy, being a spouse and being the best you that you can be. So here goes nothin’…